England's batting was pathetic. They gave it away like a cheap hooker (literally, in some cases).

Broad was one of the many English batsmen who gave it away by hooking cheaply.

Last night, England ended with a pathetic whimper as the last of the batsmen gave their wickets away. All the plaudits have been thrown at Mitchell Johnson's feet, but a quick glance at the score card shows England gave it away like a cheap slapper after too much Lambrini.

Mitchell Johnson, who took 7 for 40 and 1 for 73, was named man of the match for the second consecutive test. Impressive figures, but I think the second innings display shows a glimmer of hope for England. On the whole they manned - up, took the beating, and didn't give the moustachioed Mitchell their wicket. Unfortunately, some of them gave it away to one of his wing-men.

Another cheap hooker. Cook goes for 1 in the second innings.

A closer look shows that only Cook, out of England's recognised batsman, has been a victim of Johnson in this second test. So what has happened? The rest of the batsman managed to resist his pace so how did they get out?

The cheap floozies gave it away. It was not some grand seduction by Australia. There was no wining and dining, oysters and champagne. No setting up of grand master plans. They bowled the ball and England spooned it into their open arms. Pathetic, embarrassing, amateur.

Cook was tired after 2 days in the field and was bowled in the first innings. The second was shocking. His second ball from Johnson and he hooked it. Hooked! Madness. You're the captain, you need to bat for 2 days. So you hook it. Madness!

In the first innings Carberry batted well for his 60, punishing bad balls, keeping it low. Then 10 minutes from lunch he pulled the ball hard. Warner brilliantly caught it low to his left. Yet Carberry still gave it away. The shot, in the circumstance, was a poor choice. The second innings was worse. Hooking a bouncer to Lyon who was waiting on the boundary; brainless!

Root's first dismissal was worse. He bravely battled through the Johnson onslaught, another batsman to show it could be done. Then he pulled his first ball from the spinner to Rogers on the boundary. Pathetically given away. To Root's credit he stood up strong in the second innings and showed how it should be done finally being caught on 87.

In the first innings, Pietersen was guilty of one of the worst shots I've ever seen. He basically got bored. All he had to do was leave the ball, or hit it along the ground. But no. Clarke put two men at mid-on and Pietersen walked down the pitch and chipped it to them. Cheap. So cheap he tried to give it away to two men. He was much more restrained in the second innings and got 53. Still, not great on a flat wicket.

Bell was the only one who stayed sober and strong minded in the face of the powerful Australian men the rest of the team had fallen head over heels for. Batting beautifully, he was stranded on 72. However, in the second innings he looked like he was tired of always being the sensible one, tired of being the one holding everyone else's hair as they vomit in the street. For once he was going to let them look after themselves and join in the fun, giving his wicket away for 6.

After that we're on to a tail that also couldn't keep their heads, handle their drink, or remember the promises they'd made to Dad to be a good girl. 

Stokes did as well as could be expected for a debut in such a hostile environment but was a little bit too up for a fight.

Broad was the worst offender for me. Pretty blondes always attract trouble and they must keep their wits about them. In the second innings he batted well. On the morning of the last day he received a bouncer and hooked it for 6. With everyone screaming 'LEAVE THE NEXT ONE! JUST LEAVE IT!' at their TV or Radio, Broad, with reckless abandon, hooked it and was caught. Pure idiocy. 

For all his speed, Johnson only got the 1 wicket in the second innings.

Prior finally managed some runs, getting to 69 in the second innings, but he eventually succumbed to the blatant, clumsy seduction of the Aussie bowlers, another one who pulled it and got caught on the boundary.

A final word for the brave Anderson and Panesar. Having earned reputations as the cheapest of dates, I mean wicket, in cricket they managed to show real dignity, class and resilience. Like an already drunk girl being plied with shots, Panesar received an illegal amount of short balls but stood strong. Likewise, Anderson was battered and bruised in the second innings but managed to survive. It shows the experienced specialist batsmen what bravery is required.

It also shows that if you leave the short stuff, hold your nerve and play behind the line of the ball you can survive Johnson's short bursts. But once you have resisted him, please don't give it away to the next fella that comes along.